'Tis the season to count your blessings and name all that you are thankful for. We all name our family, our friends, the roof over our head, and the food we eat. These are the things that we see in our daily lives that we tend to forget until a holiday comes around that makes us think, "Oh yeah, I AM thankful for that."
This year, I spent Thanksgiving in my apartment with my cat, Netflix streaming, and peppermint gelato. My mother was working overtime. My sisters were doing whatever they had planned. My friends were all happy to tell me about their plans with their families. I have been sick for the past week, and felt too ill to leave the house. So, when my dear friend and roommate Brennen tried to talk me into coming with him to his family get-together, I had to politely refuse. Taking a day away from people and reflecting on the past year and what you could possibly be thankful for other than the obvious... I have come to the following conclusion.
I am thankful for every bad thing that has happened to me.
For every friend who has turned their back on me, I have found one waiting to support me.
For every spiteful comment that has been made, I have had ten to smother its' worth.
For every night I've spent crying in bed, I have had a shoulder to take it's place the next day.
And I am thankful for every time my heart has been broken, for just like every other muscle in my body, it has come back stronger.
I am thankful for all of the pain I have been put through, all of the lies, the backstabbing, the heartache, and the fear, because it has made me the person I am today. Without all of these things, I would have never gained the life experience to know when to back down and when to stand up for myself. I would have never learned when to stop waiting for someone to change, because you hope they will come around. I have learned that sometimes people lie, and what's important is not the lies they've told, but finding the strength to walk away.
Over the past few weeks, I have seen the true nature of some people I know, and like all things, some of it was good, and some bad. I won't name these people, as I don't wish to bring them any pain. I was shocked to learn these things, but not surprised.
This brings up an excellent point for me; are ALL people capable of change? If so, what does one need to do to facilitate such a change? Can a drug addict wake up one morning and decide he's going to say no to his next urge? Can a cheater make the conscious and moral decision to stay loyal? And can a liar, who is so very twisted into their games and manipulation ever really stop and say, "Enough is enough"?
I am sickened by the things I have learned. Enough so that I have taken the time to pick apart my friends and what I know of them, and try to figure out what makes them tick. To think that someone could live their life lying to their friends and planting seeds of doubt in their relationships, admitting to one untruth while countless other go unanswered for... it's shocking. The most painful part of it all is that I can do nothing to help them. The answers to their pain are staring me straight in the face, and there is nothing I can do. Their games have hurt me in the past as well, and I cannot allow myself to get personally involved.
So, tonight I have learned that the most painful solution is the best one for me.
I need to let it go, and move on.
This may seem like a wild tangent, but there was a reason for my detour in topics. Due to these unfortunate circumstances I was able to reflect on the people in my life who may have done some wrong, but all the quiet heroes of the hour. These people are not perfect. They have done plenty to upset me, but they are honest and forthcoming with their mistakes. I truly feel thankful for these shocking events because they have made me realize how far I have come, and the people I have grown to love along the way.
I am thankful for my downfalls, for without them, I never would have hit rock bottom and seen that I am not bulletproof. I am thankful for the people who piss me off most in my daily life, because I know they are just trying to do what is best for me. I am thankful for the embarrassment and shame I felt due to months of rigorous therapy, because now I can stand proud and say I did something for myself. I am thankful for the friends I have lost along the way, because without losing them, I never would have learned what a true friendship looks like.
In particular, I am thankful for...
Brennen, for putting up with my bullshit on a daily basis. I know that it must be hard for you to live with me, and I appreciate every ounce of effort you put into maintaining our friendship. You're like a brother to me, and I love you more than ever. If I ever have a problem or a worry, I know you'll be there to listen and support me. Without you, I don't know if I would have made it as far as I have. No matter what happens between us, no matter what argument or disagreement we may have, I know we will always have our friendship. What we have is the stuff legends are made of, kid.
Laura, for surprising me with how amazing a person you really are. There were times I doubted a real friendship would come of our arm wrestling match in the bathroom, but you have proven me wrong. Even though we stopped talking here and there, coming out to spend a night on Capitol Hill with you after not seeing you since June never felt awkward. You're a genuine girl, and I really appreciate that. It may not seem like much, but when you guys came down the hill to bring me soup and tea a few days back, I was touched. People don't do that for me. I'm thankful to have you in my life.
Amanda, for squaring off with me in the beginning and teaching me to open my mind to other peoples' ways. It was hard for me to work with you at first, but I truly am thankful for the challenge you presented for me. Now, I'm able to take the blame when I've wronged, and back people up when they have as well. You are a very bold person, and I really admire that quality in you. You say things that I only dare to think. I am so glad we have come to a place of friendliness. I hope we continue on this way and become an unstoppable Saturday duo.
Mom, for letting me know you're there for me even though we don't see each other much these days. It pains me to not come downstairs and see you sitting on the couch every night, but I am also glad I was able to find my freedom. You are such a strong and amazing woman, and I look up to you so much. There are times that I am really angry with you for things you have said or done, but when it comes down to it I can set those feelings aside and honestly tell you that I love you. Come see me more often, we need to show Seattle who's in charge. Haha.
Katelyn, for being fucking awesome. I love hanging out with you and your neurotic pets. I'm glad we have similar stories because we can give each other strength. Even if we may not have the same background, or the same outlook on different subjects, we see eye-to-eye on some things that not many people get. Jealous friends and drama aside, we need to hang out more.
Winnie, for teaching me to suck it up and admit when I've screwed up. I have a hard time admitting my faults, and no one has let me know I've done something wrong quite the way you have. And that's not to say it was a bad thing, I'm thankful that you told me off. You made me reflect on how I operate, and change accordingly. I never realized such a simple statement could affect someone so badly. I have little experience in social settings so it came as a shock that I could hurt your feelings. It also came as a shock that I was able to prostrate myself before you and not only admit to my wrongdoings, but apologize for them honestly. You may not know it, but I look up to you. You are a woman of power, and I find that incredibly attractive. You know what you want, and you aren't afraid to say what is on your mind. I hope we can maintain our friendship and continue to sit in the window seats of cafes, making up stories about everyone that passes by.
All in all, I am thankful for more things than I can count. In taking the time to sit down and really ponder thankfulness and how large a spectrum it covers, I have learned to find that positive silver lining in all of those negatives in my life that I have condemned to grudges and tirades.
This Thanksgiving, I may finally be able to move past the hatred and onto something worthwhile.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and never forget all of the amazing people in your lives.
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