Projectile mind-vomit. How pleasant...

Emotional Sensitivity Level: High
Scrabble Word(s) of the Day: European, Concur, Migrate

As a precursor, I just want to say that I plan on rambling. If this becomes a nonsensical mish-mash of random jabber, I apologize. There is so much going on in my head at the moment, and I have no idea where to begin.

The closer I have come to knowing myself, the more deeply I am affected by stress. I liken this to my protective walls being down due to coming in touch with my inner self. I am angry, emotionally volatile, and hurt by small daily events. My family feels so distant. My friends are stressing me out more than anything else. I have contracted a serious case of wanderlust that I cannot fulfill. I have all of these feelings and ideas clawing at my skin and suffocating me because I can't find a way to let them loose.

Standing atop a friend's roof last Thursday, I wanted to scream out over the rooftops and into the storm above. I feel that I have lost my means of self-expression.

I feel that I have lost myself, yet again.

As of late, I have vowed to remove all forms of substance and self-medication from my life. This is not because I necessarily have a "problem" or find myself addicted. It is more due to a preemptive step in the right direction so I won't develop one. In the past, I drank to self-medicate. If my family and I were on rocky terms, I drank. If I was fighting with my roommates, I drank. If my job cut my hours and I had to spend too much time at home, I drank.

But no more.

I won't allow myself to depend on anything for comfort. If I cannot find it in myself, I will go without.

I have been let down by so many people lately. Sometimes I wonder if it is me that is causing the letdown, since it happens so frequently. My self-fear has lead me to social extremes. I am either holed up in my apartment with a book, afraid to speak to anyone because I feel like I might do something to push them away, or out at a club and extremely out of my element, trying to search for myself.

How do you really know 'who' you are? I heard that once you reach thirteen your personality is about what it is going to be in the long run. This is a scary thought for me. When I was thirteen, all of my mental ailments began to surface, and my oddities became rather prevalent in my life. My number of friends began to dwindle, the hours spent alone climbed rapidly.

At times, I felt as if I would lose the ability to speak because it was so infrequently exercised. If anything, my social skills have atrophied to that of an awkward adolescent. So to counteract this, I force myself out to clubs and bars and shows. I try to mingle with strangers and trick myself into believing I have social skills. In the end, I go home sober and alone, feeling like I am paying a cover charge to humiliate myself.

That is not to say I want to go home with someone. I would either pity or fear any girl that wanted to leave with me. Yes, I know some will come at me with a counter to self-pity and self-depreciating talk. I do not intend to sound like I pity myself or that I am fishing for compliments. Honestly, at this phase in my life, I couldn't see myself as fit for anyone. I have spent so much time meandering and lost in the recesses of my mind, searching for that grain of my true self, sometimes fearing that I may never come out of it. I fear that I may attract those who are as lost as I am. This is my pattern.

I want to break free of it.

I have given up searching for someone to share my life with, mostly because I don't like what I am finding. Until I am able to live with a mind that is free and clear of all self-doubt, all I will find in my searches will be women who are stuck in the same endless loop that I have gotten myself into. I don't want to add another downward spiral to my life. I don't want to be co-dependent and constantly depressed by either my own musings or that of another.

Until I am able to stand on my own two feet and announce that I am happy with who I am, I will not find someone who is similar to that state in which I long to be. Any girl I find who is in that state will overlook me at this point. Those that notice me may be momentarily intrigued, but they will ultimately be pushed away, either by self-propulsion or by myself. I don't want to become someone's experiment. I don't want a white knight. I don't want pity.

I hope to find myself one day. I have taken several strides towards this goal, but it is a long and treacherous road for me to walk. Given my rocky past, every step I take forward is filled with questions and trepidation.

How do I know that this next step will not lead me astray?

How will I know what it is to be astray?

There are days that I wish to remain still. Self-discovery means learning things about myself, good and bad. From where I stand, I am unsure of how I will handle any negatives I may find. Ultimately, I shouldn't worry about this, because leading a stagnant life in fear of what may change would be a fairly miserable existence.

I plan on taking the stance of an archaeologist when it comes to finding myself. I won't stand on the surface of my mind and look for something new on the horizon, as there can only be so much I will find. I will dig. I will try to resurface the bits and pieces of my past that I find concurrent with what my ideal life would look like. Once I gather enough fossils and fragments of my old self, I will begin the piecing together of what could be. Whatever is missing, I will fill in with what would make sense.

I will build myself anew.

This lofty goal stirs up a lot of mixed emotions in me.

I am scared.
And excited.

I will need to find my priorities and set my feet in the direction that will allow me to follow what is truly important to me.

The status quo?
Greater self-discovery?
Saving the world?
Finding a deeper meaning in life?

Finding myself?

There is something out there for me, somewhere, and when I find it, I won't let it go.