'Tis the season to count your blessings and name all that you are thankful for. We all name our family, our friends, the roof over our head, and the food we eat. These are the things that we see in our daily lives that we tend to forget until a holiday comes around that makes us think, "Oh yeah, I AM thankful for that."
This year, I spent Thanksgiving in my apartment with my cat, Netflix streaming, and peppermint gelato. My mother was working overtime. My sisters were doing whatever they had planned. My friends were all happy to tell me about their plans with their families. I have been sick for the past week, and felt too ill to leave the house. So, when my dear friend and roommate Brennen tried to talk me into coming with him to his family get-together, I had to politely refuse. Taking a day away from people and reflecting on the past year and what you could possibly be thankful for other than the obvious... I have come to the following conclusion.
I am thankful for every bad thing that has happened to me.
For every friend who has turned their back on me, I have found one waiting to support me.
For every spiteful comment that has been made, I have had ten to smother its' worth.
For every night I've spent crying in bed, I have had a shoulder to take it's place the next day.
And I am thankful for every time my heart has been broken, for just like every other muscle in my body, it has come back stronger.
I am thankful for all of the pain I have been put through, all of the lies, the backstabbing, the heartache, and the fear, because it has made me the person I am today. Without all of these things, I would have never gained the life experience to know when to back down and when to stand up for myself. I would have never learned when to stop waiting for someone to change, because you hope they will come around. I have learned that sometimes people lie, and what's important is not the lies they've told, but finding the strength to walk away.
Over the past few weeks, I have seen the true nature of some people I know, and like all things, some of it was good, and some bad. I won't name these people, as I don't wish to bring them any pain. I was shocked to learn these things, but not surprised.
This brings up an excellent point for me; are ALL people capable of change? If so, what does one need to do to facilitate such a change? Can a drug addict wake up one morning and decide he's going to say no to his next urge? Can a cheater make the conscious and moral decision to stay loyal? And can a liar, who is so very twisted into their games and manipulation ever really stop and say, "Enough is enough"?
I am sickened by the things I have learned. Enough so that I have taken the time to pick apart my friends and what I know of them, and try to figure out what makes them tick. To think that someone could live their life lying to their friends and planting seeds of doubt in their relationships, admitting to one untruth while countless other go unanswered for... it's shocking. The most painful part of it all is that I can do nothing to help them. The answers to their pain are staring me straight in the face, and there is nothing I can do. Their games have hurt me in the past as well, and I cannot allow myself to get personally involved.
So, tonight I have learned that the most painful solution is the best one for me.
I need to let it go, and move on.
This may seem like a wild tangent, but there was a reason for my detour in topics. Due to these unfortunate circumstances I was able to reflect on the people in my life who may have done some wrong, but all the quiet heroes of the hour. These people are not perfect. They have done plenty to upset me, but they are honest and forthcoming with their mistakes. I truly feel thankful for these shocking events because they have made me realize how far I have come, and the people I have grown to love along the way.
I am thankful for my downfalls, for without them, I never would have hit rock bottom and seen that I am not bulletproof. I am thankful for the people who piss me off most in my daily life, because I know they are just trying to do what is best for me. I am thankful for the embarrassment and shame I felt due to months of rigorous therapy, because now I can stand proud and say I did something for myself. I am thankful for the friends I have lost along the way, because without losing them, I never would have learned what a true friendship looks like.
In particular, I am thankful for...
Brennen, for putting up with my bullshit on a daily basis. I know that it must be hard for you to live with me, and I appreciate every ounce of effort you put into maintaining our friendship. You're like a brother to me, and I love you more than ever. If I ever have a problem or a worry, I know you'll be there to listen and support me. Without you, I don't know if I would have made it as far as I have. No matter what happens between us, no matter what argument or disagreement we may have, I know we will always have our friendship. What we have is the stuff legends are made of, kid.
Laura, for surprising me with how amazing a person you really are. There were times I doubted a real friendship would come of our arm wrestling match in the bathroom, but you have proven me wrong. Even though we stopped talking here and there, coming out to spend a night on Capitol Hill with you after not seeing you since June never felt awkward. You're a genuine girl, and I really appreciate that. It may not seem like much, but when you guys came down the hill to bring me soup and tea a few days back, I was touched. People don't do that for me. I'm thankful to have you in my life.
Amanda, for squaring off with me in the beginning and teaching me to open my mind to other peoples' ways. It was hard for me to work with you at first, but I truly am thankful for the challenge you presented for me. Now, I'm able to take the blame when I've wronged, and back people up when they have as well. You are a very bold person, and I really admire that quality in you. You say things that I only dare to think. I am so glad we have come to a place of friendliness. I hope we continue on this way and become an unstoppable Saturday duo.
Mom, for letting me know you're there for me even though we don't see each other much these days. It pains me to not come downstairs and see you sitting on the couch every night, but I am also glad I was able to find my freedom. You are such a strong and amazing woman, and I look up to you so much. There are times that I am really angry with you for things you have said or done, but when it comes down to it I can set those feelings aside and honestly tell you that I love you. Come see me more often, we need to show Seattle who's in charge. Haha.
Katelyn, for being fucking awesome. I love hanging out with you and your neurotic pets. I'm glad we have similar stories because we can give each other strength. Even if we may not have the same background, or the same outlook on different subjects, we see eye-to-eye on some things that not many people get. Jealous friends and drama aside, we need to hang out more.
Winnie, for teaching me to suck it up and admit when I've screwed up. I have a hard time admitting my faults, and no one has let me know I've done something wrong quite the way you have. And that's not to say it was a bad thing, I'm thankful that you told me off. You made me reflect on how I operate, and change accordingly. I never realized such a simple statement could affect someone so badly. I have little experience in social settings so it came as a shock that I could hurt your feelings. It also came as a shock that I was able to prostrate myself before you and not only admit to my wrongdoings, but apologize for them honestly. You may not know it, but I look up to you. You are a woman of power, and I find that incredibly attractive. You know what you want, and you aren't afraid to say what is on your mind. I hope we can maintain our friendship and continue to sit in the window seats of cafes, making up stories about everyone that passes by.
All in all, I am thankful for more things than I can count. In taking the time to sit down and really ponder thankfulness and how large a spectrum it covers, I have learned to find that positive silver lining in all of those negatives in my life that I have condemned to grudges and tirades.
This Thanksgiving, I may finally be able to move past the hatred and onto something worthwhile.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and never forget all of the amazing people in your lives.
Oct 24, 2010
Projectile mind-vomit. How pleasant...
Emotional Sensitivity Level: High
Scrabble Word(s) of the Day: European, Concur, Migrate
As a precursor, I just want to say that I plan on rambling. If this becomes a nonsensical mish-mash of random jabber, I apologize. There is so much going on in my head at the moment, and I have no idea where to begin.
The closer I have come to knowing myself, the more deeply I am affected by stress. I liken this to my protective walls being down due to coming in touch with my inner self. I am angry, emotionally volatile, and hurt by small daily events. My family feels so distant. My friends are stressing me out more than anything else. I have contracted a serious case of wanderlust that I cannot fulfill. I have all of these feelings and ideas clawing at my skin and suffocating me because I can't find a way to let them loose.
Standing atop a friend's roof last Thursday, I wanted to scream out over the rooftops and into the storm above. I feel that I have lost my means of self-expression.
I feel that I have lost myself, yet again.
As of late, I have vowed to remove all forms of substance and self-medication from my life. This is not because I necessarily have a "problem" or find myself addicted. It is more due to a preemptive step in the right direction so I won't develop one. In the past, I drank to self-medicate. If my family and I were on rocky terms, I drank. If I was fighting with my roommates, I drank. If my job cut my hours and I had to spend too much time at home, I drank.
But no more.
I won't allow myself to depend on anything for comfort. If I cannot find it in myself, I will go without.
I have been let down by so many people lately. Sometimes I wonder if it is me that is causing the letdown, since it happens so frequently. My self-fear has lead me to social extremes. I am either holed up in my apartment with a book, afraid to speak to anyone because I feel like I might do something to push them away, or out at a club and extremely out of my element, trying to search for myself.
How do you really know 'who' you are? I heard that once you reach thirteen your personality is about what it is going to be in the long run. This is a scary thought for me. When I was thirteen, all of my mental ailments began to surface, and my oddities became rather prevalent in my life. My number of friends began to dwindle, the hours spent alone climbed rapidly.
At times, I felt as if I would lose the ability to speak because it was so infrequently exercised. If anything, my social skills have atrophied to that of an awkward adolescent. So to counteract this, I force myself out to clubs and bars and shows. I try to mingle with strangers and trick myself into believing I have social skills. In the end, I go home sober and alone, feeling like I am paying a cover charge to humiliate myself.
That is not to say I want to go home with someone. I would either pity or fear any girl that wanted to leave with me. Yes, I know some will come at me with a counter to self-pity and self-depreciating talk. I do not intend to sound like I pity myself or that I am fishing for compliments. Honestly, at this phase in my life, I couldn't see myself as fit for anyone. I have spent so much time meandering and lost in the recesses of my mind, searching for that grain of my true self, sometimes fearing that I may never come out of it. I fear that I may attract those who are as lost as I am. This is my pattern.
I want to break free of it.
I have given up searching for someone to share my life with, mostly because I don't like what I am finding. Until I am able to live with a mind that is free and clear of all self-doubt, all I will find in my searches will be women who are stuck in the same endless loop that I have gotten myself into. I don't want to add another downward spiral to my life. I don't want to be co-dependent and constantly depressed by either my own musings or that of another.
Until I am able to stand on my own two feet and announce that I am happy with who I am, I will not find someone who is similar to that state in which I long to be. Any girl I find who is in that state will overlook me at this point. Those that notice me may be momentarily intrigued, but they will ultimately be pushed away, either by self-propulsion or by myself. I don't want to become someone's experiment. I don't want a white knight. I don't want pity.
I hope to find myself one day. I have taken several strides towards this goal, but it is a long and treacherous road for me to walk. Given my rocky past, every step I take forward is filled with questions and trepidation.
How do I know that this next step will not lead me astray?
How will I know what it is to be astray?
There are days that I wish to remain still. Self-discovery means learning things about myself, good and bad. From where I stand, I am unsure of how I will handle any negatives I may find. Ultimately, I shouldn't worry about this, because leading a stagnant life in fear of what may change would be a fairly miserable existence.
I plan on taking the stance of an archaeologist when it comes to finding myself. I won't stand on the surface of my mind and look for something new on the horizon, as there can only be so much I will find. I will dig. I will try to resurface the bits and pieces of my past that I find concurrent with what my ideal life would look like. Once I gather enough fossils and fragments of my old self, I will begin the piecing together of what could be. Whatever is missing, I will fill in with what would make sense.
I will build myself anew.
This lofty goal stirs up a lot of mixed emotions in me.
I am scared.
And excited.
I will need to find my priorities and set my feet in the direction that will allow me to follow what is truly important to me.
The status quo?
Greater self-discovery?
Saving the world?
Finding a deeper meaning in life?
Finding myself?
There is something out there for me, somewhere, and when I find it, I won't let it go.
Scrabble Word(s) of the Day: European, Concur, Migrate
As a precursor, I just want to say that I plan on rambling. If this becomes a nonsensical mish-mash of random jabber, I apologize. There is so much going on in my head at the moment, and I have no idea where to begin.
The closer I have come to knowing myself, the more deeply I am affected by stress. I liken this to my protective walls being down due to coming in touch with my inner self. I am angry, emotionally volatile, and hurt by small daily events. My family feels so distant. My friends are stressing me out more than anything else. I have contracted a serious case of wanderlust that I cannot fulfill. I have all of these feelings and ideas clawing at my skin and suffocating me because I can't find a way to let them loose.
Standing atop a friend's roof last Thursday, I wanted to scream out over the rooftops and into the storm above. I feel that I have lost my means of self-expression.
I feel that I have lost myself, yet again.
As of late, I have vowed to remove all forms of substance and self-medication from my life. This is not because I necessarily have a "problem" or find myself addicted. It is more due to a preemptive step in the right direction so I won't develop one. In the past, I drank to self-medicate. If my family and I were on rocky terms, I drank. If I was fighting with my roommates, I drank. If my job cut my hours and I had to spend too much time at home, I drank.
But no more.
I won't allow myself to depend on anything for comfort. If I cannot find it in myself, I will go without.
I have been let down by so many people lately. Sometimes I wonder if it is me that is causing the letdown, since it happens so frequently. My self-fear has lead me to social extremes. I am either holed up in my apartment with a book, afraid to speak to anyone because I feel like I might do something to push them away, or out at a club and extremely out of my element, trying to search for myself.
How do you really know 'who' you are? I heard that once you reach thirteen your personality is about what it is going to be in the long run. This is a scary thought for me. When I was thirteen, all of my mental ailments began to surface, and my oddities became rather prevalent in my life. My number of friends began to dwindle, the hours spent alone climbed rapidly.
At times, I felt as if I would lose the ability to speak because it was so infrequently exercised. If anything, my social skills have atrophied to that of an awkward adolescent. So to counteract this, I force myself out to clubs and bars and shows. I try to mingle with strangers and trick myself into believing I have social skills. In the end, I go home sober and alone, feeling like I am paying a cover charge to humiliate myself.
That is not to say I want to go home with someone. I would either pity or fear any girl that wanted to leave with me. Yes, I know some will come at me with a counter to self-pity and self-depreciating talk. I do not intend to sound like I pity myself or that I am fishing for compliments. Honestly, at this phase in my life, I couldn't see myself as fit for anyone. I have spent so much time meandering and lost in the recesses of my mind, searching for that grain of my true self, sometimes fearing that I may never come out of it. I fear that I may attract those who are as lost as I am. This is my pattern.
I want to break free of it.
I have given up searching for someone to share my life with, mostly because I don't like what I am finding. Until I am able to live with a mind that is free and clear of all self-doubt, all I will find in my searches will be women who are stuck in the same endless loop that I have gotten myself into. I don't want to add another downward spiral to my life. I don't want to be co-dependent and constantly depressed by either my own musings or that of another.
Until I am able to stand on my own two feet and announce that I am happy with who I am, I will not find someone who is similar to that state in which I long to be. Any girl I find who is in that state will overlook me at this point. Those that notice me may be momentarily intrigued, but they will ultimately be pushed away, either by self-propulsion or by myself. I don't want to become someone's experiment. I don't want a white knight. I don't want pity.
I hope to find myself one day. I have taken several strides towards this goal, but it is a long and treacherous road for me to walk. Given my rocky past, every step I take forward is filled with questions and trepidation.
How do I know that this next step will not lead me astray?
How will I know what it is to be astray?
There are days that I wish to remain still. Self-discovery means learning things about myself, good and bad. From where I stand, I am unsure of how I will handle any negatives I may find. Ultimately, I shouldn't worry about this, because leading a stagnant life in fear of what may change would be a fairly miserable existence.
I plan on taking the stance of an archaeologist when it comes to finding myself. I won't stand on the surface of my mind and look for something new on the horizon, as there can only be so much I will find. I will dig. I will try to resurface the bits and pieces of my past that I find concurrent with what my ideal life would look like. Once I gather enough fossils and fragments of my old self, I will begin the piecing together of what could be. Whatever is missing, I will fill in with what would make sense.
I will build myself anew.
This lofty goal stirs up a lot of mixed emotions in me.
I am scared.
And excited.
I will need to find my priorities and set my feet in the direction that will allow me to follow what is truly important to me.
The status quo?
Greater self-discovery?
Saving the world?
Finding a deeper meaning in life?
Finding myself?
There is something out there for me, somewhere, and when I find it, I won't let it go.
Oct 14, 2010
Oh, today..
Technology is failing me.
No email.
No WoW.
My alarm didn't go off even though it is set.
Netflix is giving me error messages.
Well, there goes my early morning of lesbian drama, nerditry and emailing.
It could be worse.
---
In other non-mechanical news,
My granola is stale, bananas are too mushy, and my yogurt is too tart. My back aches, my hair has a huge cowlick, my cat won't stop attacking my feet, and I really feel like complaining today.
Unless I've been doing it every day since I moved in, I couldn't be getting up on the wrong side of the bed. Should I pay more attention to which foot touches the floor first? What other wives tales should I take into practice to ensure my day will go a little more smoothly?
Maybe I should get back into bed, sleep for an hour, and then try again. Everyone could use a redo every once in a while.
Now excuse me, my dysfunctional cat is eating my non-operable phone, and I must attend to him... :]
No email.
No WoW.
My alarm didn't go off even though it is set.
Netflix is giving me error messages.
Well, there goes my early morning of lesbian drama, nerditry and emailing.
It could be worse.
---
In other non-mechanical news,
My granola is stale, bananas are too mushy, and my yogurt is too tart. My back aches, my hair has a huge cowlick, my cat won't stop attacking my feet, and I really feel like complaining today.
Unless I've been doing it every day since I moved in, I couldn't be getting up on the wrong side of the bed. Should I pay more attention to which foot touches the floor first? What other wives tales should I take into practice to ensure my day will go a little more smoothly?
Maybe I should get back into bed, sleep for an hour, and then try again. Everyone could use a redo every once in a while.
Now excuse me, my dysfunctional cat is eating my non-operable phone, and I must attend to him... :]
Oct 11, 2010
In on an 'out' day.
Today, I would like to take a moment to share my feelings. It is National Coming Out Day, the sun is shining, straights and gays everywhere are rejoicing in their freedoms, and I am spending it unwillingly in bed. I blame Safeway and their Chinese food. Anyway...
I know how hard it can be for queer youth trying to fit in. I don't think I even need to discuss this any deeper, given poor Tyler Clementi's recent uprising in the news. There have been far too many brilliant minds twisted and tortured into believing suicide is the only way out of the pain they endure. My heart goes out to those families who are feeling such an irrevocable loss.
As cliche as it sounds, and no matter how many gay celebrities have worn it out; it does get better. I only wish I could have been able to reach out to some of these kids and tell them that before the damage had been done. Young people these days are undeniably cruel, and most of them fail to realize what their sick pleasures are doing to those they are hurting. My hope is that maybe, finally, people will open their eyes to the struggles these teens are going through and start doing something about it.
I myself have known I am a lesbian since I was thirteen years old. I can still remember walking through the mall with my mother and longing to own an "I like girls" shirt. She would tell me it was just a phase and that I needed to move on. Sure, it seems silly now, but back then it was a sign of who I was inside. The oppression gay teens feel is unbelievable. There was not a single day that I did not know I was a lesbian, yet I was unable to be who I truly was because others knew better than that. "I know you're not gay, Brittany. Trust me." It wasn't until the past few months, after nine years of being told I didn't know who I was or what I was saying, that I was able to openly claim my sexuality without others denying me of my feelings.
It is true that some teens go through 'a phase'. I will not deny that. It is also true that a lot of those 'phases' end because he/she has been intimidated back into the closet by society, and even worse, by their friends and family. As open and loving as Americans may preach they are, there is still much work to be done. The unspoken intimidation being passed down through the generations is almost harder to face than the open bullying and criticism. Those that we love and come to trust the most; parents, teachers, people of authority... they are the hardest to face when you are unsure of how they will accept your sexuality or your gender identity. I myself have tried for years to take a stand for who I know I am, and for years I was met with defiance. The only person who can tell you who you are is YOU.
Standing up for who you are is more important than being liked for being who you are not.
Don't deny yourself the freedom to be and love whomever you want.
I know how hard it can be for queer youth trying to fit in. I don't think I even need to discuss this any deeper, given poor Tyler Clementi's recent uprising in the news. There have been far too many brilliant minds twisted and tortured into believing suicide is the only way out of the pain they endure. My heart goes out to those families who are feeling such an irrevocable loss.
As cliche as it sounds, and no matter how many gay celebrities have worn it out; it does get better. I only wish I could have been able to reach out to some of these kids and tell them that before the damage had been done. Young people these days are undeniably cruel, and most of them fail to realize what their sick pleasures are doing to those they are hurting. My hope is that maybe, finally, people will open their eyes to the struggles these teens are going through and start doing something about it.
I myself have known I am a lesbian since I was thirteen years old. I can still remember walking through the mall with my mother and longing to own an "I like girls" shirt. She would tell me it was just a phase and that I needed to move on. Sure, it seems silly now, but back then it was a sign of who I was inside. The oppression gay teens feel is unbelievable. There was not a single day that I did not know I was a lesbian, yet I was unable to be who I truly was because others knew better than that. "I know you're not gay, Brittany. Trust me." It wasn't until the past few months, after nine years of being told I didn't know who I was or what I was saying, that I was able to openly claim my sexuality without others denying me of my feelings.
It is true that some teens go through 'a phase'. I will not deny that. It is also true that a lot of those 'phases' end because he/she has been intimidated back into the closet by society, and even worse, by their friends and family. As open and loving as Americans may preach they are, there is still much work to be done. The unspoken intimidation being passed down through the generations is almost harder to face than the open bullying and criticism. Those that we love and come to trust the most; parents, teachers, people of authority... they are the hardest to face when you are unsure of how they will accept your sexuality or your gender identity. I myself have tried for years to take a stand for who I know I am, and for years I was met with defiance. The only person who can tell you who you are is YOU.
Standing up for who you are is more important than being liked for being who you are not.
Don't deny yourself the freedom to be and love whomever you want.
Jul 6, 2010
It's been a long, hard road.
I must apologize for my lack of updating. Life has been hectic for me, to say the least. I am thankful for this sudden rush of activity though. It signifies a new chapter in my life that I have been awaiting since the beginning of the previous one. Once time allows it, I shall be updating more intensively about the going's-on of my life as of late. Until then, I leave you with some food for thought.
I have officially said my goodbyes to the vicious world of retail, and said hello to what may very well be the job of my dreams.
I closed the chapter to a year of strenuous therapy, and in turn, put the life of a "mental patient" behind me.
There were days I wished that I had the strength to give up; I was no longer searching for the strength to continue.
I find that planning tomorrow's events brings me the most joy. I can hardly stand the wait.
For the first time in years, I have established a stable living situation in which I can feel comfortable and happy.
Opportunities are arising for me at every new bend in the road, and instead of shying away from them, I have taken them on at full force.
At this moment in my life, I feel unstoppable. I could take on the world.
Several large and life-shaking changes have unearthed themselves. I choose to see them as positives, and room for growth, rather than let Fear rear its' ugly head and control my life.
My meaningful friends are growing closer to me, and my harmful ones are easier to let go. I am now able to make the distinction between the two, and not cling to everyone as if they were the wrecked remains of a sunken ship.
For the first time in my long years of depression, I can safely say that I am thoroughly happy.
I enjoy a challenge.
I have begun to push myself further than ever before.
And when life hands me lemons, you can best believe I will be making the sweetest lemonade of them.
This is my life, and I choose to live it.
I have officially said my goodbyes to the vicious world of retail, and said hello to what may very well be the job of my dreams.
I closed the chapter to a year of strenuous therapy, and in turn, put the life of a "mental patient" behind me.
There were days I wished that I had the strength to give up; I was no longer searching for the strength to continue.
I find that planning tomorrow's events brings me the most joy. I can hardly stand the wait.
For the first time in years, I have established a stable living situation in which I can feel comfortable and happy.
Opportunities are arising for me at every new bend in the road, and instead of shying away from them, I have taken them on at full force.
At this moment in my life, I feel unstoppable. I could take on the world.
Several large and life-shaking changes have unearthed themselves. I choose to see them as positives, and room for growth, rather than let Fear rear its' ugly head and control my life.
My meaningful friends are growing closer to me, and my harmful ones are easier to let go. I am now able to make the distinction between the two, and not cling to everyone as if they were the wrecked remains of a sunken ship.
For the first time in my long years of depression, I can safely say that I am thoroughly happy.
I enjoy a challenge.
I have begun to push myself further than ever before.
And when life hands me lemons, you can best believe I will be making the sweetest lemonade of them.
This is my life, and I choose to live it.
May 19, 2010
New Beginnings.
It is time once again for me to stretch my fingers and contemplate today's entry.
I arrived at the library, mind full of ideas to uncork and spill into my new entry. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity for the elevator to come down to the first floor and pick me up, I made the steady climb to the tenth floor.
I love the reading room, I must admit. The architecture is fabulous, and I can get lost in the details all around me. I always feel as if I'm interrupting some important moment of silence as I step off the elevator and make my way past the Seattle Room. A silence hangs in the air, thick as honey. It's daunting, yet comforting at the same time.
I try my hardest to step gingerly down the walkway, though my shoes always manage to make more noise than they usually do. Once into the room itself, the floor changes from reused wood to some metal tiles. And try as you may to remain silent, your footsteps echo off the walls. People raise their heads and stare. I feel my cheeks flush, and continue to short walk, feeling as if it will never end.
Once I have braved the scattered seating and metal flooring, the real challenge awaits. Finding a spot to sit down and unpack. Sure, there are many places to sit at the numerous desks that fill the room, once again floored with recycled wood. The trick is finding a spot that also has access to an electrical outlet. I feel like I am invading the privacy of those who got here before me. I make my usual trek around the desks, eyeing not the people there, but the empty places, searching for that seat that can reach the outlets.
Found one. I only had to circle the room a good five times. /sarcasm. The quiet of the room makes it difficult to do my everyday tasks without feeling like someone turned up my volume output. My bag seems to wail as I unzip it. It sounds as if I have slammed my laptop onto the desk. The chair groans as I slide in closer. And then, the silence takes it's place once more.
I boot up my computer and begin my ritual. Checking Facebook, updating about how my boss probably doesn't like me (I should be at work right now, but she has canceled my shift once again). I skip checking my email, because I know my account has been disabled due to spammers. Instead, I reactivate it so I can get the information I need from it, and then forget about it entirely. I make myself a new email account. And then I click on my blog.
I had been blogging under "youpreciousthing" for nearly a year. Today, with my brain throbbing with material, I find that it too has been disabled. Spammers. I remember that it was connected to my old email address, and the pieces begin to fall into place.
Will I be defeated? Do I return home, head humming with what I long to write, but cannot?
Of course not. :)
So here I am. Falling Down and Falling in Love has been reborn from it's spammer ashes into the glorious phoenix that is Simple Little Beauty. Pardon the phoenix reference, I have them on the brain.
The rain outside is quite impressive. Whenever my mind slips off the subject and begins to wander, I find my eyes too are wandering; stealing glances at the sheet of Seattle rain cascading down the diamond-shaped windows. I am reminded of nights in Startup, letting the droning of the rain on the roof of my metal trailer lull me to sleep. It is comforting, although the thought of walking home in it with my laptop and new books is not.
Unfortunately, by this time, I have forgotten what I had intended to write all-together. But this entry itself will suffice.
I am back.
I arrived at the library, mind full of ideas to uncork and spill into my new entry. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity for the elevator to come down to the first floor and pick me up, I made the steady climb to the tenth floor.
I love the reading room, I must admit. The architecture is fabulous, and I can get lost in the details all around me. I always feel as if I'm interrupting some important moment of silence as I step off the elevator and make my way past the Seattle Room. A silence hangs in the air, thick as honey. It's daunting, yet comforting at the same time.
I try my hardest to step gingerly down the walkway, though my shoes always manage to make more noise than they usually do. Once into the room itself, the floor changes from reused wood to some metal tiles. And try as you may to remain silent, your footsteps echo off the walls. People raise their heads and stare. I feel my cheeks flush, and continue to short walk, feeling as if it will never end.
Once I have braved the scattered seating and metal flooring, the real challenge awaits. Finding a spot to sit down and unpack. Sure, there are many places to sit at the numerous desks that fill the room, once again floored with recycled wood. The trick is finding a spot that also has access to an electrical outlet. I feel like I am invading the privacy of those who got here before me. I make my usual trek around the desks, eyeing not the people there, but the empty places, searching for that seat that can reach the outlets.
Found one. I only had to circle the room a good five times. /sarcasm. The quiet of the room makes it difficult to do my everyday tasks without feeling like someone turned up my volume output. My bag seems to wail as I unzip it. It sounds as if I have slammed my laptop onto the desk. The chair groans as I slide in closer. And then, the silence takes it's place once more.
I boot up my computer and begin my ritual. Checking Facebook, updating about how my boss probably doesn't like me (I should be at work right now, but she has canceled my shift once again). I skip checking my email, because I know my account has been disabled due to spammers. Instead, I reactivate it so I can get the information I need from it, and then forget about it entirely. I make myself a new email account. And then I click on my blog.
I had been blogging under "youpreciousthing" for nearly a year. Today, with my brain throbbing with material, I find that it too has been disabled. Spammers. I remember that it was connected to my old email address, and the pieces begin to fall into place.
Will I be defeated? Do I return home, head humming with what I long to write, but cannot?
Of course not. :)
So here I am. Falling Down and Falling in Love has been reborn from it's spammer ashes into the glorious phoenix that is Simple Little Beauty. Pardon the phoenix reference, I have them on the brain.
The rain outside is quite impressive. Whenever my mind slips off the subject and begins to wander, I find my eyes too are wandering; stealing glances at the sheet of Seattle rain cascading down the diamond-shaped windows. I am reminded of nights in Startup, letting the droning of the rain on the roof of my metal trailer lull me to sleep. It is comforting, although the thought of walking home in it with my laptop and new books is not.
Unfortunately, by this time, I have forgotten what I had intended to write all-together. But this entry itself will suffice.
I am back.
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